Hello, and welcome to AllFaith's online mental health hotline. In order for us to help you most effectively, please choose from among the following options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound and star keys until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep ... no, before the beep. Or maybe after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you anyway.

Thank you for accessing the AllFaith Mental Health Institute Hot Line. you will be billed $108.00 shortly. You have one week to pay us. Following that your account will be turned over to our collections department. Have a nice day!"

Click HERE for the buttons to click.

No! Don't leave yet! Here comes the good part! You'll feel better!

Click HERE for the buttons to click.