Is there Humor After Death?
How To Access God From User Friendly System
"Thank you for calling the House of God."
Please select one of the following options:
- Press 1 for the Jewish Jehovah
- Press 2 for the Christian Jehovah
- Press 3 for Allah
- Press 4 for Ahura Mazda
- Press 5 for the Buddha
- Press 6 for Cosmic Consciousness,
- Press 7 for Vishnu
- Press 8 for Shiva
- Press 9 for Devi
- Press 10 for Gabriel
- Press 11 for Michael
- Press 12 for a directory of other angels
- Press 13 to hear David sing a psalm while you're on hold
- Press 14 for a directory of loved ones residing in Heaven
- Press 15 for reservations in Heaven, then enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6
- Press 16 for complaints about whose allowed in.
- Press 17 for all other inquiries.
The Only Pearly Gates Story I Ever Liked
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and
supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
Forget About Healthy Living!
The couple had reached age 85 and had been married for 60
years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they both were in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts to free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here 10 or more years ago!"
A Reason NOT to Go to Heaven!
A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked "Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world
without men, do you??!?"
The Top 15 Good Things About Going to Hell
- 15.Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
- 14.Perpetual flame means never having to eat a lukewarm french fry.
- 13.Upon arrival, you realize it's a big step up from Bakersfield.
- 12. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
- 11. Finally get to meet that Rubik guy and tell him what you think of that @#*&%! cube.
- 10. There's absolutely no chance you'll be living too close to an amusement park.
- 9. Party-Animal Satan throws one helluva weenie roast!
- 8. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).
- 7. Finally rid of that pesky little "conscience angel" on *right* shoulder.
- 6. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Al Borland.
- 5. Which would you rather jam to: Harps & choirs, or Hendrix & Morrison?
- 4. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.
- 3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.
- 2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.
- And the Number 1 Good Thing About Going to Hell...
1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." T-shirts.
Love Beyond the Grave
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.
As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven is really like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
"Denounce The Devil!"
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey
into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce
the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I
don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
Please note: As it is almost impossible to accurately credit a joke's creator, I do not usually try. Some of the jokes contained here are my creation, most have been collected from the Net and non-virtual reality (remember that? Its called "real life" *smile*). If something in this section is your creation and you want credit for it, please let me know. Thanks.
Go to: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Enlightenment.
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