Adam and Eve Virus
- Takes a couples of bytes out of your Apple.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
- terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...
Airline Luggage Virus:
- every three minutes tells you what great service you are getting.
- You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Bob Dole Virus:
- Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
- Your computer begins referring to itself in the first person
- the computer locks up, screen splits erratically left and right with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
- runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Dan Quayle Virus:
- There is sumthin rong with yur koputer, but ewe cant figyur outt watt!
- Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs only to surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus:
- Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
- your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.
- it becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
- it begins saying things like: "Welcome, you've got male!.. er...mail I mean"
- 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error). Being superior, 95% of Macs are immune 73% of the time, when they are not freezing up, which happens 17% of the time to 65% of their owners.
George Bush Virus:
- It starts by boldly stating; "Read my docs...No New Files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
Government Economist Virus:
- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Health Care Virus:
- Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.
Hillary Clinton Virus:
- Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later; in another directory.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus:
- Your program can never be found again.
- claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
- Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
Lorena Bobbit Virus - turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
New World Order Virus:
- every three minutes reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
- Probably harmless, but it makes a lot people really mad just thinking about it.
- An Indonesian virus created in Kenya and stamped with a "Made in the USA" symbol.
The Lord's Prayer appears on your screen unexpectedly and when you click to close it the words Allahu Akbar appear! Your hard drive is instantly beheaded and your bank accounts are re-directed to the First Ummah Bank of Mecca..
O.J. Simpson Virus, Type One:
O.J. Simpson Virus Type Two:
- Has not harmed anyone's system, but since no one wants to look gullible, "smart" people continue to blame it.
- You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
- it claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it, though it never does.
Ollie North Virus:
- Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
Be advised, this virus is transmittable through AM talk radio as well as through computer interface
Oprah Winfrey virus:
- your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
- Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.
- Frequently posts ads to let you know it is an ad-free program
Paul Revere Virus:
- This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C://.
Politically Correct Cyber Entity of a Viral Persuasion:
- Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
Ronald Reagan Virus:
Ross Perot Virus:
- saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
- Claims that a rival virus intends to undermine its execution
- Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
- Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.
Steve Forbes Virus:
- All files reported as the same size.
Star Trek Virus:
- Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
- Spins off other virus which, while they are better than the original, no one wants to admit it
Tonya Harding Virus:
Ted Turner Virus:
- turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
- Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
(except the Alaska file nya nya nya!)
Woody Allen Virus:
- bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
REMEMBER WHEN . . .
A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW...
A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN...
AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT...
MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND
AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT
NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS
AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES
AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT
A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW
A CURSOR USED PROFANITY
A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO
MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE
A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT
AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2" FLOPPY YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT
COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE,
NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE
AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC,
YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE
LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE
HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD
A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED
AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE
CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE
PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE
A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME
AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU
I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER
AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD
I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH
BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY'LL WISH THEY WERE DEAD!
A Real Tech Call
This is an actual dialog of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee:
"Computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
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