The Red Phone
There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura, India. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After traveling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope's office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries. Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.
"Oh, that's my hotline to God," replied the Pope. "Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call."
"Oh," said the priest. "Would you mind if I tried it?"
"No, not at all," the Pope responded.
So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone.
The Pope replied, "Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75."
"Seventy-five dollars?" inquired the Hindu priest.
"Oh yes," said the Pope. "You know long distance charges. It's a long way from here to God, you know."
So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.
Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to meet the Pope again. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest's table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was.
"Why, I also have a hotline to God," replied the Hindu priest.
"Do you mind if I use it?" asked the Pope. "I really have a lot on my mind."
"Please do," responded the priest.
So the Pope got on the phone, got a good connection, and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, and then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down. Then he said, "Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?"
The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, "Two rupees."
"What," the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. "Why so cheap?"
"Why don't you know?" asked the little Hindu priest. "Here it is a local call."
Just A Second!
So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
God Will Save Me
A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town. The priest says, "I won't worry, God will save me".
The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises another foot. A National Guard truck comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises some more. The priest is forced up to his roof. A boat comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises higher. The priest is forced up to the very top of his roof. A helicopter comes to rescue the priest. He shouts up at them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises above his house, and the priest drowns.
When he gets up to heaven he says to God "I've been your faithful servant ever since I was born! Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "First I sent you a fire truck, then the national guard, then a boat, and then a helicopter. What more do you want from me!!??"
God on the Subject of Lawns
Imagine the conversation Elohim might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:
Elohim: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
Elohim: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. The go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
Elohim: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
Elohim: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
Elohim: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
Elohim: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
Elohim: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
Elohim: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
Elohim: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
Elohim: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
Elohim: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.....
Elohim: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
The People Making Contest!
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said no..no...no YOU GET YOUR OWN DIRT!
Just A Second!
So this guy is talking to God and asks, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answers, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man asks, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
"One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
Creation
In the Beginning...
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so...
God Will Save Me
A big storm approaches.
The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town.
The homeowner says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate.
The homeowner says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the homeowner.
He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises another foot. A national guard truck comes by to rescue him.
He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises some more and the homeowner is forced up to his roof. A boat comes by to rescue him.
The homeowner tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises higher and the man is forced up to the very top of his roof. A helicopter comes to rescue him.
The man shouts up at them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises above his house, and the man drowns.
The homeowner appears before the Throne of God and says, "I've been your faithful servant ever since my bar mitzvah! Why didn't you save me?" God replies, "First I sent you a fire truck, then the national guard, then a boat, and then a helicopter. What more do you want from me!!??"
Why God never received a PhD:
- 1. God had only one major publication.
- 2. It was in Hebrew.
- 3. It had no references.
- 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
- 5. Some even doubt that God wrote it.
- 6. It may be true that God created the world, but what has the Creator done since then?
- 7. God's cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
- 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating God's results.
- 9. God never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
- 10. When one experiment went awry God tried to cover it by drowning the subjects.
- 11. God rarely came to class and just told students to read the book.
- 12. Some say God's son had teach the class instead.
- 13. God expelled the first two students for learning.
- 14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of God's students failed the tests.
- 15. God's office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
- 16. No record of working well with colleagues.
Please note: As it is almost impossible to accurately credit a joke's creator, I do not usually try. Some of the jokes contained here are my creation, most have been collected from the Net and non-virtual reality (remember that? Its called "real life" *smile*). If something in this section is your creation and you want credit for it, please let me know. Thanks.
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