Welcome to
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor
World Religions in a Nutshell
"If you can't laugh at your religion, don't worry, others will!
This page contains religious humor that I hope you will enjoy. No offense is ever intended.
World Religion In A Nutshell
A New Religious/Philosophical Analysis of Toys
Offered with love
and respect for the world religions and their practitioners.
Anglican: They were our toys first
Agnosticism: It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Amish: Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
BaHai: All toys are just fine with us, But ours is the newest and best.
Baptist: Once played, always played.
Capitalism: Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism: Whoever denies the self the most toys, wins.
Christian Science: If your toy breaks, don't fix it, just pray.
Church of Christ: Whoever's toys make music, loses.
Church of Christ, Scientist: We are the toys.
Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and
you better not try selling yours!
Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Conservative Judaism: Some toys just ain't kosher
Creationism: In the beginning God made Adam and Eve the serpent costs
extra.
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Fundamentalists: There is only one right way to play with your toys
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
Hare Krishna: Whoever buys God the most toys, wins.
Hare Krishnas: Please, take this flower and buy our toys.
Hedonism: To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism: Whoever eats the plastic farm animals, loses.
Shiite Islam: The Mother of all Toys: Jihad Action Figures
Jehovah's Witnesses: Whoever sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
M.C.C.er's: How about a nice Adam and Steve doll?
Mormonism: Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Non-denominationalism: We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Pentecostalism: Pull the string, If they talk, you win.
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
7th Day Adventist: Whoever plays with toys on Saturday, loses.
Taoism: The toy which can be played with, is not the real toy.
Voodoo: Let me borrow that doll for a second...
"The Building's on Fire!"
The BAPTISTS cried: "We need a water baptism NOW!"
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves: Fire is the result of bad thoughts
The ATHEISTS chided: Fire's not real!
The CONGREGATIONALISTS objected: "This was not voted on!"
The CREATIONISTS: Debated on which day God invented fire.
The EPISCOPALIANS: Formed a procession and marched out.
The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted: "It's the vengeance of God!"
The HARE KRISHNAS: Pretended they were fire fighters and sold defective fire extinguishers.
The JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: Passed out literature about the fire
The JEWS: Posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass over them.
The LUTHERANS: Posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was a Papal plot.
The METHODISTS: Gathered in the corner and prayed.
The MORMONS: Ran late-night T.V. commercials offering free videos of the fire (and a Book of Mormon)
The NEW AGERS: Bought crystals at Walmart, decided the earth was shifting polarity, and moved to Sedona, Arizona.
The PENTECOSTALS: Rebuked and bound the fire "In JEEEEsus' name!
The PRESBYTERIANS: Appointed a chairperson to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the monthly voting assembly.
The QUAKERS: Quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The ROMAN CATHOLICS: Built a statue to Our Lady of the Flames.
The SCIENTOLOGISTS: Were reminded of a cool Sci-fi book about a big fire.
The MCCers: Were glad to see other flaming religious people!
At which point the fire gave up in disgust and extinguished itself.
The Hindu Priest, the Pope and the Phone
There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in
Mathura, India. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at
the Vatican in Italy. After traveling to the Vatican, he walked
up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building
where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble
floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope’s office
and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The
little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries.
Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of
the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.
“Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.”
“Oh,” said the priest. “Would you mind if I tried it?”
“No, not at all,” the Pope responded.
So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone.
The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.”
“Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest.
“Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.”
So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.
Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was.
“Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest.
“Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.”
“Please do,” responded the priest.
So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down. Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?”
The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, “Two rupees.”
“What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?”
“Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.”
So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100
million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second
to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem
like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
God Will Save Me
A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of
town. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck
telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will
save me".
The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises another foot. A national guard truck comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises some more. The priest is forced up to his roof. A boat comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises higher. The priest is forced up to the very top of his roof. A helicopter comes to rescue the priest. He shouts up at them "Don't worry, God will save
me."
The water rises above his house, and the priest drowns.
When he gets up to heaven he says to God "I've been your faithful servant ever since I was born! Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "First I sent you a fire truck, then the national guard, then a boat, and then a helicopter. What more do you want from me!!??"
Good Verses Evil
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, Green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God sent heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
And God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the man told the truth. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement.
It didn't help her, either.
-- Thanks Jenny!
A Navajo Meets the Astronauts
Matt "BUKA" Regan forwarded along this item from the Marin County, Calif., Pacific Sun:
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut
training on the Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate.
He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
An Example of Biblical Faith *smile*
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
Thanks Demitri!
WHAT I'VE LEARNED
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 29
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting few people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers (And expected hang times)
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you SURE COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY! Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back?" (10 seconds)
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle and say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, "my sciatica is acting up," "my dog just died," describe your recent surgery... Continue talking about your problems over their sales pitch. (4 minutes)
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located, how do you spell that... (5 minutes)
4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!!" (Assuming her name is Judy,) "Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. (1 minute)
5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. (3 seconds if they know the Federal "3-No's" law, 2 minutes otherwise)
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" (15 seconds)
7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" (8 seconds)
8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get back to the sales, just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. (6 minutes)
9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!!
Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer:
"Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's
business/the weather?" (2 minutes)
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! I know HOW YOU FEEL!" (smiling, of course...) (1 minute)
11. When they ask for a specific person, get choked up, then tell them he/she just died and hang up sobbing. (12 seconds)
Questions, Questions, Questions!
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Who are "they" anyway?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
That's Not What I Meant!!!
Taken from real medical records!
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will
need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of
him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
The patient refused an autopsy.
CHURCH HUMOR
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:
"The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means: 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
