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God! Its so funny!

Welcome to
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor
Kids and God

           "Train up a child in the way he should go..."

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.

The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face,"WHERE IS GOD?"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said,"What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."

Real Letters to God From Real Kids

Dear God,
In Sunday school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation?

Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear God.
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident.

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don't you just keep the ones you got now?

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

Dear God
What does it mean you are a jealous God. I thought you had everything.

Dear God,
Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.


Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend
But I am not going to tell you who I am

Dear God
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.

Dear God,
Please send me a pony
I never ask for anything before you can look it up

Dear God,
If you give me genie lamp like Alladin I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.

Dear God,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.

Dear God
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.


Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions
-Ruth M.

Dear God
I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

Dear God
Of all the people who work for you I like Peter and John the best.

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.

Dear God,
If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible
Love, Chris

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it.
So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God.
Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool.

Dear God,
I don't ever feel alone since I found out about you.

Kid's Bible Lessons

It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world. These student bloopers are all genuine, authentic and unretouched:

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinnessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history, they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the ax of the apostles."

"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Amendment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Amendment is humor they father and mother.
The Seventh Amendment is thou shalt not admit adultry."

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."

"David was the Hebrew King, skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Findelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had three wives and 700 porcupines."

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born becuase Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head."

"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to other before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibals.
The epistles were the wives of the decibels.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan."

"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
A Christian should have only one wife, this is called monotony."

Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California

His third grade homework assignment: "Explain God."

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven.
So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important, of course.
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."


A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, ³Do you think I¹ll find Big Bird in here?² The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, ³Do you think I¹ll find the Cookie Monster down there?² Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, ³Do you think I¹ll hear Barney in there?²
³Oh, no!² the little girl replied. ³Jesus is my heart. Barney¹s on my underpants.²

Thanks For Reading
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor



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