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God! Its so funny!

Welcome to
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor
Liar (I mean Lawyer) Jokes

           "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress -- John Adams, in the play "1776"

Q: What is black and tan and looks good on a Lawyer?

A: Doberman Pincer

Q: What do you call it when a bus load of Lawyers goes off a cliff?

A: A pretty decent start.

Q: Why did the sharks eat all the people in the water except the Lawyer after the boat sank?

A: Professional Courtesy.

Q: What do you call the situation where you have a bunch of Lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a carp? One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker, and the other is a fish. Oh wait, that wasn't a joke.

The New Judge

Hey, did you hear about the skunk who became a judge?
             I hear he was a real Law and Odor guy!


A Rabbi, A Hindu Priest, And A Lawyer Stop For The Night

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a lawyer went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
The rabbi and the lawyer were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the lawyer were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”
The lawyer said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

My Dad's a Lawyer!

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy. <

Free Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

On Dead Lawyers

Know why they bury Lawyers at twelve feet instead of six?
'Cause down deep lawyers aren't so bad.

The Other Oldest Profession

Once there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).
The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."
The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"

Another Lawyer/Perception Joke

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Real Court Transcripts

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal.

The following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

Q: "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

Q: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Q: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Q: "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

Q: "Did he kill you?"

Q: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Q: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir"
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Thanks For Reading
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor



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