MICROSOFT'S NEW Commercial [dated but still pretty good]:
"Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis"
This is for real!!!
Have you seen the new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet
Explorer e-mail program? It uses the musical theme of the
"Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.
On the screen is the upbeat question: "Where do you want to go today?" accompanied by an angelic chorus singing "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis,"
Which means: "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell."
As a devotee of Netscape, I'm couldn't agree more! 
Ah, those were the days... today (9-21-06) I use Foxfire. I haven't even seen a Netscape browser in years!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
the oven using these keystrokes: <
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy
|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of
the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and
the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate
the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain
again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Microsoft To Buy USA
REDMOND, Wash. DC - Oct. 21, 1997 --
In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice,
the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal
government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press
that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a
wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft President
Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it
as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record,"
and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and
confidence."
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he
has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates
dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for the
U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates
went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing."
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place."
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that the United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government
services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader
in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business
and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
Microsoft To Buy God
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase,
copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named,
predictably enough, Microsoft God," and would be available to
consumers sometime in late 1998.
Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave
McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft
God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy,
intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find,
but easier to communicate with." The new Microsoft Religions line
will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to
Microsoft God, including:
-
Microsoft Crusades:
This conversion product will bring all
worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of
God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
- Microsoft God for the World Wide Web:
This product ties Microsoft God
with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord
accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser
interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including
Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the
poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
- Microsoft Prayers:
Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this
product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a
minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows
guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and
Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a
minimum learning curve.
- Microsoft Savior:
This product will allow worshippers to transfer
their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval,
the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a
clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God
server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of
complementary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance
the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a
customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular
religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God
product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is
expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism,
Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning
to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt
to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
Microsoft Buys Winter Olympics!
"I don't know about you , but, personally, I love watching Olympics.
There is something very special about training for 4 years for a
10-seconds performance. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I admire men and women who can withstand such kind of pressure. More power to them!
Then again, watching MS Olympics is quite another story....
LadyHawke
*~*~*~*~*~*
NAGANO, JAPAN (DPI) - In some rather disturbing news, software
behemoth Microsoft purchased the 1999 Winter Olympics last Friday
for an undisclosed sum. Even the athletes did not know until CEO Bill Gates stepped up to the microphone to deliver the opening address, which was composed entirely of ones and zeros. Lawyers for the MS Winter Olympics said this was the right move to ensure their world dominance in the winter sports. There is no truth to the rumor that Mr. Gates had to dodge snowballs at the end of his speech. CBS was paid off and told to pack up their equipment as MSNBC took over broadcasting the events. Only MSN on-line subscribers will get to see the finals in each sport.
Several countries were upset to find out that the luge course had been replaced by a new standard and would require them to purchase the MSLuge 4.0 sled in order to compete. Bobsledders faired much better by only having to buy the MSBobsled upgrade. Owners of previous versions on Microsoft Bob were given a discount. Speed and figure skating venues as well as hockey games were postponed until next week while engineers work out the design enhancements in the new MSSkate suite of products.
In true fairness and spirit of the games, Microsoft has let a
competing company operate the MacSki Jump. It will be 40%
narrower and 60% faster than other ski jumps. All athletes
competing on snow will be required to wear the new MS Ski 98 Build 1650. The company maintains that it is not responsible for falls, slips, slides, tumbles or crashes.
Finally, the traditional starter's pistol has been replaced by a little white arrow clicking on a Start button that pops up a menu, that pops up a menu, that pops up a menu.......
Reported by Dave Henry
(Microsoft, MS Winter Olympics, CBS, MSNBC, MSN, MSLuge,
MSBobsled, Microsoft Bob, MSSkate, MSBiathlon, MSWrasslin'
and MacSki Jump and MS Ski 98, are Trademarks of their
respective corporations.)
Microsoft to buy Sony
Microsoft plans to buy Sony. Once they do, their #1 game system will be renamed: the CD Game Player formally known as the Play Station.
Sony Videos will be played on
Win. SonyVideo which is an up grade for
$99,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 with purchase of a
milion dollar product.
Thanks to my son, "Son of the Suns!"
Microsoft buys the Hanford Nuclear Reservation
REDMOND (BNN)
-- World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible
antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."
Bill Gates Sentenced to Hell!
The US Justice Department - unable to sentence Bill Gates
to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment
would be more severe - and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for
you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been
selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing
Windows 95 two years late [not to mention Windows XP!], would by itself, have landed you
here. But enough of that.
"You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll
be generous and give you a choice of three places in which
you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions
of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes
him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being
chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a
beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face,
at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation thinking he outsmatred the devil,
Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan then locks the door.
As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was
Bill Gates!cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best
room in the house?"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The vintage bottle of wine you see - It has a hole in it.
"That Beautiful young lady - She doesn't"
"What about the PC?"
"Oh, If you look carefully, you'll see that it crashed!"
laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Please note: As it is almost impossible to accurately credit a joke's creator, I do not usually try. Some of the jokes contained here are my creation, most have been collected from the Net and non-virtual reality (remember that? Its called "real life" *smile*). If something in this section is your creation and you want credit for it, please let me know. Thanks.
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