Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor Pages
"What's that Sonny?"
"You say I'm Old? When Did That Happen!"
"Having a sense of humor is good on three conditions:
1. You do not insult others. 2. You are not vulgar. 3. You do not present yourself in a good light to the detriment of others." Siach Sarfey Kodesh 1-13
This page contains humor that Seasoned Citizens will, I hope, enjoy. No offense is ever intended.
Besides, I'm not exactly a spring chiken myself!
Now get off my lawn!
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The Senility Prayer
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now That I'm Older
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
- I started out with nothing, I still have most of it
- My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded
- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat
- cause kids.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, God would have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Hymns for People Over 50
Give Me the Old Timers Religion
Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car
Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"
"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-75."
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one...there's hundreds of them!"
WHAT I'VE LEARNED
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 29
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting few people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
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