Me Tarzan, You Thang!
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle,
she was attracted to him and during her questions
about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of
tree".
Horrified she said, "Tarzan you have it all
wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly".
She took off her clothes and laid down on the
ground.
"Here", she said, "you must put it here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer,
and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane
rolled around in agony. Eventually managed to gasp,
"What did you do that for"?
"Tarzan check for bees".
Truth in Advertising!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."
Remembering the First Time
I'll never forget the first time I took it in my mouth...
I fiercely tore open its prison walls. I was surprised when it slid out into my hand, but I quickly adapted to the feel of it in my hand. I held it gently, careful that it didn't melt under my touch before I could really enjoy it.
I held it to my nose and inhaled deeply, permanently storing its unique scent in my memory. I gently ran my tongue across the ever-so-subtle ridge before taking it deeply into my mouth. I took it in my mouth as far as it would go. It took all of my strength to resist the urge to swallow it whole! My tongue worked on its sweet shell until I could finally start to taste its slightly salty filling...
The quickness took me by surprise, and I moaned in approval, even though I hoped it would have lasted longer. I held the last few morsels on my tongue, savoring the taste before swallowing it all. I smiled, already looking forward to the next time.
Thank goodness Reese's peanut butter cups are sold in packages of two!
In the Beginning
What were Adam's first words to Eve?
"You better stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
- LadyHawke
*~*~*~*~*~*
Adam & Eve
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They
must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and
so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the
Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and
they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they
are Russian."
Unreasonable Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve
became upset.
"You're running around with other women." she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the
only woman on Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," replied Eve.
God's Gifts to Adam
One day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some
bad news"
Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first"
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run
one at a time"
The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue,' "Eat something. I stood at the Smiths like an idiot for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Cybersex
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll
see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript
of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cybersex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into
your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck.
Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my
way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: | logged off |
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