Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor Pages
"Even if you are upset and unhappy, you can at least put on a happy front. At first you may not feel genuinely happy in your heart. Even so, if you act happy you will eventually attain true happiness and joy." Sichot Haran #74
This page contains humor that Baptists will, I hope, enjoy. No offense is ever intended.
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The Baptist Dog
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. 'Fetch the Bible,' he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. 'Now find Psalm 23' he commanded The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and showing the marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and found the correct passage, then pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. Finally, one man asked, 'Can he do regular dog tricks , too?' 'I haven't tried yet,' the pastor replied.. He pointed his finger at the dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good Lord! He's Pentecostal.'
The Pastor's Sermon
There was a pastor who was tired of the mess that paper towels made in the church bathrooms so he installed some hand dryers.
The pastor was really pleased now that with the mess gone... until he walked into the bathroom one day and read a sign over the hand dryer this:
To hear pastor’s message last week, push this button.
The Reverend's Wife Tells About Her Day
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because
pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!!!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage after his revival meetings, an evangelist equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage.
On his next trip he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out “Are you crazy? You can’t land this plane here without wheels!”
The started husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.
Continuing home, he landed the plane of the lake without mishap.
Having landed, he he said to his wife, “I don’t know what on earth got into me. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life!”
And with that, he opened the door and stepped out of the plane right into the water.
Despite his pious sermons, the evangelist did not walk on the water...
God Will Save Me
A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises another foot. A national guard truck comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises some more. The priest is forced up to his roof. A boat comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises higher. The priest is forced up to the very top of his roof. A helicopter comes to rescue the priest. He shouts up at them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises above his house, and the priest drowns.
When he gets up to heaven he says to God "I've been your faithful servant ever since I was born! Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "First I sent you a fire truck, then the national guard, then a boat, and then a helicopter. What more do you want from me!!??"
The Top 15 Good Things About Going to Hell
- 15.Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
- 14.Perpetual flame means never having to eat a lukewarm cow burger.
- 13.Upon arrival, you realize it's a big step up from Washington DC.
- 12. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
- 11. Never again will you have to debate God's existence with religious kooks.
- 10. There's no chance you'll be living too close to a church, temple of synagogue.
- 9. Party-Animal Satan throws one helluva weenie roast!
- 8. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).
- 7. Finally rid of that pesky little "conscience angel" on *right* shoulder.
- 6. Fortune to be made on "Welcome to the New World Order" T-shirts
- 5. Which would you rather jam to: Harps & choirs, or Hendrix & Morrison?
- 4. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Obama and George Bush.
- 3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.
- 2. Everyone gets a daily dose of the Gitmo treatment: Sadist and Masochists love it!
- And the Number 1 Good Thing About Going to Hell... No Baptists!
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